Fear of Intimacy: Pt. 3 of 3 // Psychology // Have You Learned To Fear Love?

If you have grown up without ever experiencing a healthy connected relationship or, you have never received love in a safe way, it can be normal to feel resistance when love shows up in your adult life. For example, if growing up you were only exposed to conditional love, the kind of love with conditions attached, say you were loved only when you met your parent’s needs - you have learned this is what love requires. Reciprocal love is then unfamiliar territory and is usually accompanied by discomfort to which your immediate reaction is to push back.

In this case, the familiar kind of love for you- the one not that does not require any change, the one you know how to handle is unhealthy love. For this reason you may return to partners, relationships or situations that do not serve you time and again. This could explain why you reject unconditional love when it shows up, and it would make sense that you are attracted to “bad boys/gals” or unhealthy relationship patterns. This understanding gives insight into why you may reject someone on the basis of being “too nice” or why in your intimate relationship you may suppress your feelings towards yourself or others. For example, you may find yourself using the “I’M FINE” response, rather than directly communicating what is on your mind (referred to in: Fear of Intimacy Part 2 of 3 // When Dating or In An Intimate Relationship).

As a dating and relationship coach, I recognise fear when I hear conclusive statements that bear no resemblance to reality such as “there’s no single guys/gals left”, “I don’t need anyone” or “they’re all after one thing”, “I'm doing this to keep her happy” or, “he doesn’t listen anyway”. It is important to identify when fear is showing up in your life as it can grow from limited thinking. It is not enough to change who you are on the outside, it is about understanding what is occurring below the surface and discovering what is holding you back from attracting and maintaining a healthy intimate relationship you truly deserve.

Enlist the help of a relationship coach or personal therapist to identify your limiting beliefs and achieve the kind of intimate relationship you have only ever dreamed of. It is possible to achieve relationship success but it requires a deep knowledge of yourself rather than some quick fix strategies on "how to get the guy or gal" - which appear to be common choices in societies addiction to faster living.